Live Happily Ever After
By Rev. Gloria Arenson, MFT
Contempt is another love killer. A contemptuous person puts down his or her partner intentionally. It is a form of psychological and verbal abuse perpetrated by name-calling, insulting remarks, sarcasm, mockery and negative body language. The recipient often feels battered and bruised by frequent demeaning treatment. The first step here is to recognize that contempt is present in your relationship. If you are the victim, bring it to your partner’s attention and see if he or she is willing to work on changing the style of their communication. Relationship counseling is often necessary if the problem doesn't get resolved.
The fourth relationship wrecker is Defensiveness. Defensive behavior means that one partner is denying responsibility or making excuses for their negative behavior. A defensive partner will take on an air of righteous indignation and try to blame the other for his/her faults. One of their ploys is to accuse the complaining partner of the same thing, or avoid responsibility entirely by changing the subject and picking on something the other has done. The more defensive the one partner is, the more frantic and angry the other becomes. Defensiveness can create a rift in a relationship that kills both intimacy and caring.
All love relationships deserve to be nurtured. Take a moment now to take stock of your present or past experiences. Are you aware of any of the four Love Killers at work? You can start to undo the damage already done by becoming aware of which ones are causing trouble. Put a rubber band on your wrist. Each time you play stonewall, critic, put-down artist, or defensive, snap the rubber band, and tell yourself to do something else that is loving and kind toward your partner. Remember, the secret for having a love that lasts forever is to respect your partner and not let the Love Killers take root in your marriage.
