Live Happily Ever After
By Rev. Gloria Arenson, MFT
As you prepare for your wedding you are most likely in a state of euphoria. Love is in the air. You are sure that your love will last forever. But why can’t all couples retain this positive state of grace? What happens to kill love? Love is often destroyed when couples get into four types of unhealthy habits: stonewalling, criticizing, contempt, and defensiveness.
I counseled a couple, Roger and Sue, who were despairing over the state of their marriage. Roger told me that he got antsy when Sue demanded a "discussion" about something troubling her. After listening to her for a short while he just wanted to run out of the room. Sue was 3 inches taller and 40 pounds heavier than Roger. When he tried to go she would physically bar the door to prevent him from leaving. The more frantic Roger became, the louder Sue shouted. She was afraid that if she let Roger get away, they would never resolve their problems. Meanwhile Roger felt more and more trapped. This scenario was repeated over and over again during their marriage. It frequently ended in a physical battle.
According to Dr. John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Roger was stonewalling Sue. Stonewallers are people who shut another out by mentally turning off, or by actually leaving the room or the house. Most of us have been stonewalled or have stonewalled someone else. It is interesting to note that Dr. Gottman discovered that 85% of the stonewallers in his 20 year study were male.
Stonewalling occurs when a person is flooded with emotion. A physiological overwhelm takes place as blood pressure and pulse rise. There seems to be an instinctive need to flee. If that isn’t possible, the highly emotional partner simply turns into a "stone wall." He may stop talking or merely mumble. In withdrawing, the stonewaller makes it impossible to heal the conflict. It seems that biologically speaking, women can endure the intense emotional atmosphere more easily than men. However, women can certainly stonewall too.
Stonewalling can be overcome when the stonewaller begins to understand his reaction as an emotional overload. He needs to learn to recognize that his partner's anger is not an attack but a result of her frustration. Stonewallers can learn to handle conflicts, and their partners can learn to notice the signs of incipient stonewalling. If your partner stonewalls, acknowledge his reaction gently.
Roger learned to recognize the signs when he felt flooded with emotion. Rather than panic, he quietly let Sue know that he had to leave and calm down, probably take a walk. Instead of escalating her rage by thinking Roger was copping out and wouldn’t deal with issues, Sue learned to make an appointment with Roger to take up the discussion later that day. They were finally able to feel understood and respected and put an end to their terrible fights.
Another destructive negative behavior that can kill a relationship is more familiar to most of us. Criticism is the most common source of relationship problems. I am not maintaining that you stop communicating your complaints, only that you state them in non-hurtful ways. A "YOU" statement is usually heard as an attack: "You never pick up your dirty clothes." or "You don’t do anything right." Instead of a headlong assault, try a complaint in the form of an "I" statement: "I’m upset when I have to pick up the clothes you drop on the floor. I would appreciate it if you would pick them up before you leave for work." This "I" style of communicating is much more accurate and respectful of the other and can lead to a more cooperative response on the part of the clothes dropper. (Page 2)
